The Perilous Path: some ethical considerations
August 21st 2017
When I first started as a professional dominatrix, I had a few boundary setting and ethical issues to work out for myself.
I have been prompted to write this because of the home-wrecker brigade that I sometimes have the misfortune to come across on social media. There is obviously and sadly a market for it, and it dismays me to read the “Spend all your money on me and let your wife and kids starve” sales pitch and to receive queries from men telling me they want to see me because their wife is ugly - thankfully these last are few and far between. To me this kind of rhetoric is indicative of so much that is wrong with this world: self-centred, narcissistic, ignorant, materialistic, nihilist, dumb, misogynist.
The beautiful thing about domination is it's potential to educate and to engender a profound respect for women, all women. As well as simply enjoying all those crazy kinks out there, isn't part of what we do about re-establishing appreciation of those qualities that are anathema in society? To pay homage to female power and beauty in all it's guises, to midwife male vulnerability and submission, and in so doing release us all from our patriarchal conditioning and bondage which not only informs how we regard each other but what we are allowed to explore and express of ourselves? Isn't femdom an opportunity to rework the long-debased, but transformable, transformational relationship between the masculine and the Magdalene energies and everything inbetween?
From the beginning, one of the major issues for me was how I fit into, impact or don’t impact my clients’ existing relationships. I turn down requests on Fetlife from interested subs on this basis. I will not knowingly enter into an intimate relationship on a non-professional basis with someone who is married (particularly with children) and whose partner has not given their consent to this.
This is personal. My own childhood was thrown into disarray following a short-lived but devastating relationship between my father and a serial non-professional home-wrecker. Ironically I now find myself a Mistress with a capital M – and I'm sure Freud would have a field-day with this! - but I have no desire to wreak similar havoc on a family.
I session all the time with married men, with families, and I found that I am at peace with the transactional nature of our play which naturally maintains mutually beneficial boundaries. I respect my clients who have elected to form a professional relationship with a Mistress (or Escort) rather than seek out through less formal avenues a potentially very messy non-professional relationship which is likely to end up being a proverbial car-crash for all concerned. Seeking out a professional is a choice that has at it's foundation a client's respect for their spouse and their children, and also for the Mistress as a person who probably does not want to get embroiled in anyone's interpersonal chaos. It is a choice which respects all their choices: to have, love and provide for a family, and to discreetly, gracefully and honourably satisfy other desires so that unfulfilled needs do not ultimately make those marriages or personal happiness untenable.
No one can give somebody else everything they need, desire and deserve. In my opinion, it's impossible and unreasonable to expect this of one person. This is why in my private life I am polyamorous with other consenting polyamorous folk, understanding that it is not a path suitable for everyone. Moreover, we are not static entities and who we (thought) we were at twenty may not be who we (think) we are at 40 and this will affect our relationships, particularly if how you change over time involves a burning desire to engage in BDSM and this is not supported by your spouse! We have to own all our decisions, however, even those decided by a personality we feel we have outgrown or never really knew in the first place and we have to manage our existing relationships as decently as possible whilst honouring whatever it is we have understood about ourselves. Hopefully at the worst my sessions don’t impact my clients’ other intimate relationships, at best I hope our sessions improve them, keeping people together for whom the strain of not being able to fully express all that they are might otherwise take its toll.